Recollection

On the evening of October 15th, 2017 I wrote:

“I am feeling so low… Down and low… It’s been a week of this… But it’s okay. This is all part of the journey. Another detour to the right direction. I am meeting different kinds of people and experiencing them to discover more about myself. I have become stronger than ever. I am ready to be the best version of myself. I have found that I have insecurities I thought I never had before. To find my personal legend, these are the steps to take. Find my inner self, learn through love, love my inner me, become aware of my unworthiness issues and overcome them. And most of all feel damn good! I am ready to accept the Universe’s graces and gifts. I am love. I am beautiful. I am bliss. Thank you spirit, for allowing me to see into the deeper zones that were hidden from my own thoughts. Life is endlessly good. I am worthy.”

That same morning I wrote:

“It’s getting better! I trusted in the process and saw it as a detour to the right direction. My depression & anxiety is just a way for me to know that I need to find my inner self and give it some love. I continue to learn through love. The Universe is abundant.”

In a day, I felt two completely opposing feelings. I felt so damn good in the morning only to have it plunge like that. I have no recollection of what happened that day, just these words on my journal. How did I come to open my journal to this page? Doesn’t matter really. What’s amazing though is that I have been feeling so good for the past week but in a single moment I just started crying my eyes out. Why? A certain person has made me feel so sensitive whenever it involved this person’s values. But now as I write this, I realize that this happened for the sole purpose of me remembering to love my inner self. I have this tendency to care too much about others that I end up getting hurt for the stupidest reasons. In a blink of an eye my whole week that has been so good just crashed and burned. I opened my old journal because I needed to reminder of not allowing a single moment to ruin something far greater and much more important.

Thank you, Universe. I will not walk astray. I will continue to see the good. Life is amazing.

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Living Day By Day

What got me out of misery was realizing that I wasn’t giving my own life a chance. During one of the seminars I have attended, the speaker asked us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves on a hospital bed. We were about to lose our life.

This excited me. I was going to die, finally.

Continue reading “Living Day By Day”

Life Is A Beautiful Mess

We often dwell on the wrongness of our past and the mistakes we have committed which have led us to who we are today. I’ve started this blog when I was feeling awfully low and fancied the thought of my own death. After that, I found ways to help myself get out of that low and now am continuing to live with drive and motivation. Despite that, there still are times when I start to feel extremely lonely and anxious that things might not work out for me. Doubt starts to creep up but this time around I am more aware of my thoughts and emotions. Things still aren’t 100% the way I want them to be but I trust that soon I will reach my dreams. Actually, I’m starting to live it now as I write this.

Continue reading “Life Is A Beautiful Mess”

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Just like most people, my life has just been a series of ups and downs but there was one chapter of my life that I without a doubt fully enjoyed. And that was the time I met the most awesome person ever. When I transferred to a different campus after shifting to a new course my sister’s friend whom I also met in my old campus kept messaging me to hang out with his group of friends after finding out that I moved to that same campus. At first I didn’t really accept the invitation, I usually am not the sociable type and honestly I was just too lazy to do anything. After my classes I would go straight home, play with my dog and then take naps. Come to think of it I don’t remember my activities during those days but anyway, eventually I did start to hang out with them.

Continue reading “Happy Happy Joy Joy”

It’s Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies (but it’s not always sadness and gloom either)

When I got into WordPress again, I was fully renewed with a new sense of purpose. I told myself that I would write everyday and share my story to whoever comes across my blog. For the past few months I’ve been so excited for tomorrow even until now. But as my title says, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.

The past few months have been more than eye-opening for me. Prior to that I was always overwhelmed by anxiety, depressive states, and suicidal thoughts. And guess what? I didn’t even know why I felt that way. I was working hard and keeping a positive outlook but somehow I still find myself feeling this sort of emptiness when I come home from work and there are times when tears randomly fall from my eyes while driving to any destination. Oftentimes I would imagine myself getting into an accident to make my death more convenient for me (no self harm) but then I realize I might survive and end up with an amputated leg or worse losing my eyesight so I immediately scratched that imagination from my head. It really sucks to feel that way. Nothing made me happy nor made me feel any sense of satisfaction. It was really bad.  Continue reading “It’s Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies (but it’s not always sadness and gloom either)”

Only You Can Help Yourself

Hi there! Today I will be taking a break from the boring stuff that was my life. I’d like to just take a moment and share to you all that ever since I got myself out of that dark state with the help of myself and God & the Universe everything has been really working out so well! Even if life can never be perfect we still have complete control over our minds and the power to take notice of the good stuff and let go of the bad.

I know, I know I said that I helped myself and didn’t mention other people like family, friends, etc. but please keep an open mind here. You see, depression isn’t something many people acquire due to circumstance. No. It just hits you like a fucking cannonball from hell and BAM! Everything just doesn’t seem right anymore and life seem to be so bland and worthless. So for today’s topic, let’s talk about you, you, and YOU.  Continue reading “Only You Can Help Yourself”

This Was It

Highschool was finally over and I was finally going to get out of that hell-hole. During that time I thought that college will finally allow me to spread my wings and soar up high and become the person that I wanted to be. The problem was I didn’t know what I wanted to be, well I did but it seemed too impossible to reach. I wanted to be an artist and game developer or a fashion designer but unfortunately during that time my country wasn’t ready for such career paths (or at least I didn’t think it was). Nevertheless I decided to study Information Technology because it was the closest thing to becoming a game developer even if I wasn’t really so good at math.  Continue reading “This Was It”